I think I’ve written this in my head many many times but never actually got the courage to really write it down. And to be honest, I’m still contemplating on whether or not to even share this… This pregnancy has been a whirlwind of emotions. Many ups but also many downs. I never thought I would say it but I had bouts of depression throughout this experience. I can’t help but be emotional as I write this and I somewhat hate myself for having felt this way but I do want to share my experience. This is probably the last thing anyone has ever expected to hear about me… I can put on a good front but many times I’ve come home, hop in the shower and just cry. For many reasons that don’t make sense to me.
I’ve really taken some time to evaluate my feelings and one thing I know is that I was harboring a lot of resentment – towards everyone. I resented my boyfriend, because he doesn’t have to go through this painful pregnancy and will never understand how hard it’s been for me. I resented my friends, because most days… I feel left out and forgotten. Then there are the thoughts that… I could’ve waited a year. Having the first two so young, I sacrificed a lot because that’s what you do as a mother. I literally just got my life together and finished school, got a great job and had all of these plans to travel and really focus on me… but then I got pregnant. As much of a blessing as this is, I can’t help but feel a little trapped. I must sound like the most selfish person in the world right now. I can’t believe half of the things I’m saying here. I’ve tried to talk to a few people about this but it’s hard to get it out right. In a weird way, it feels a little easier to let this out on my blog then to talk to anyone in person. At least I can cry to myself and not have to hear the advice of people who simply don’t understand. Could this just be hormones? Maybe. That’s what I’ve been telling myself anyways.
It’s become more evident that as the end of my pregnancy is coming closer and closer, I’m more scared than ever. I am literally terrified. Sure, I’ve done this before, twice… but I don’t know how to feel when I’m basically starting all over again. Everyone keeps assuring me that I’ll be fine, it’s like riding a bicycle… but is it? I know I’m still young and this may sound like I’m being a little over dramatic to most of you, but the idea of doing this all over again gives me so much anxiety.
After having my first son, I went through a few months of postpartum depression. I felt alone, just as I do now. Back then, I was the only one out of my friends to have kids fresh out of high school… no one understood how hard that was. While most of my friends are having their children now, again, they will never know what it’s like to start over. My youngest is 11 and my eldest will be 13 in a few months… this pregnancy has become really hard to accept as the months go by. While you’ve seen me go through all of the highs from announcing my pregnancy to finding out the gender, this is my lowest of lows. Can I handle 3 of them? Will I have the same energy as I did before? Can I really do this again? Will I be good enough? What about work… Can I afford to take time off? Can I afford three kids? These are just some of the thoughts that run through my head. Sometimes I feel as though I never deserved this blessing because I feel this way. As happy as I seem, I’m just as sad and I can’t shake it off.
I’ve read an article about prepartum depression and while this term is completely new to me, I couldn’t help but be glad that I’m not the only one who goes through this. It’s so real. What’s helped is getting it out as much as I can and surrounding myself with those who love me. As personal as this topic is, I find solace in letting it out.
Have you experienced any depression during pregnancy? I’d love to know your experience and how you got through it. If you’re not comfortable sharing your experience here, I’d love for you to reach out to me firstname.lastname@example.org